So since I'm finally pretty much settled back in here in SD, I think I should start up my blog again... I don't really have all that much to say, but then again, I never had much to say before either...
Sometimes I feel so completely alone even though I'm so far from being lonely. Does this happen to everyone? Or just me? Like sometimes I just want to cry because I feel like I have nobody to talk to and nobody loves me even though that is sooooooo not reality. I feel like such a burden sometimes, and I feel like I don't do anything for myself... like I rely on other people for everything. Feeling burdenous goes hand in hand with feeling worthless, I think... I don't feel worthless right now, per se... but you know, sometimes I do. Sometimes I'm really happy when I'm home alone because I get to turn up the music really really loud and sing like a crazy lady... yeah, that's what I'm doing right now. :-D Sometimes I really wish that I had a desk, because typing on a keyboard that's on the floor or on your lap really starts to wear down your wrists and fingers after awhile. I hope to get one soon, but who knows? Sometimes, like RIGHT NOW, I really, really, really miss my mom :-( I wish she could just give me a hug.
So you know what sucks? My mom bought me a new computer with the understanding that I'll pay like $20 a month till it's paid off or whatever, no big deal. So she got this cheap one at Circuit City - it's a good computer, and pretty too... it was $700, but $400 after rebates. Okay, here's the sucky part - I didn't send the proofs of purchase to my mom in time for her to get the rebates! So my fucking retardedness cost an extra $300!!! Grrrr!!! This was awhile ago, but I'm still a little upset about it...
So I have one of those Abercrombie bags that you can cut into a poster, and the girl's face is so big that you can totally pick out every blemish... right now one of her eyes looks SO ugly and completely different from the other eye. Sometimes I'm really glad that I'm not a model, cuz there'd be bitchy girls like me picking me apart constantly. That would suck.
Today in my Eating Disorders class two girls talked to the class about their personal battles with anorexia and bulimia. Not only was it one of the most interesting lectures I've ever attended, but it also really made me think. One of the girls is I think a Marshall 3rd year and lived in the dorms freshman year named Megan. She's really pretty and explained that her family's pretty well off, which explains why she always has cute clothes and stuff like that. I'm always sooooo jealous of people like that. They're cute AND they can afford to have all the cutest outfits and stuff like that. I'm always comparing myself to them and wishing that I could be so lucky. But then today she was telling us about her eating disorder and how it started with her lack of control over her family life. First her mom had a mental breakdown and had to be committed for awhile, and then her sister went like crazy. So Megan went to visit her sister in the mental hospital and her sister said, "You have pretty eyes. My sister had pretty eyes. Did you know that my sister was murdered?" Can you imagine!?! I have a little sister, and if she was all messed up like that it would SO tear me apart. Then her mom was cheating on her dad and her dad had a heart attack and it goes ON and ON... So Megan's story made me realize that I am WAY too judgmental. If a girl is pretty and has cute clothes or a cute car or something like that, I automatically assume that she's a bitch and isn't worth my time. It's because I'm jealous, and I've known this for a long time. I never stopped to think about the fact that people are really really good at pretending to be happy and pretending that life is perfect. Hearing those girls' stories was kind of like an affirmation of my life. I can look at my life and say, "These are the reasons that I am happy," and then I could list off like five bazillion things, and I wouldn't be lying. I really really am a happy person. It's really crazy to me that just two years ago, me writing that I am actually happy seemed like an impossibility. I am so blessed.
Hey Steve - my friend from high school's middle name is Curry... weird, huh? But I don't think he ever got beat up because of it.
I'm tired, but knowing me I will not take a nap. Even though I have nothing better to do, I won't let myself take a nap. Grrrr... Okay, maybe I'll eat instead. Norm and I went shopping last night and I have food!!! Imagine that!
